Revisiting the Past, and Why I Blog

I was looking at my blog posts from this time two years ago, when William was about to turn one. I'm so happy that I have this diary to look back on, to help me remember how things were. I posted a "guest blog" back then that author Anna Quindlen had written, called "On Being Mom," and it bears rereading, in my book. Quindlen wrote,

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Megan wrote about this recently--about how to live in the moment, how to really feel the happiness and the joy and how to let go of the rest. It's really hard to do that when the daily grind just wears you down. But it's so so important. And blogging definitely helps. When Seth wakes up in the middle of the night, although I know that uninterrupted sleep is important and that teaching him to sleep is important, I also think about how he will never be this little again, and I will not always have this ability to be everything he needs, right when he needs it. He wants me to hold him, and I can. He wants a bottle, and I can give him that. He wants comfort, and that's my job. When William comes into our room at 5:00 in the morning and climbs on top of me and tries to snuggle his gangly, 3-year-old body into a comfortable position, I just hold him as close as I can. There will come a day when I won't get to snuggle like that with him anymore. When I won't be everything that he needs.

Parenting is so very hard. The responsibility is enormous and overwhelming. The worry, the guilt, the pressure, the stress. But the rewards are never-ending. The unconditional love, the cuteness, the hilarity, the pride, the joy, the sweet moments. My friend MJ wrote a beautiful post one, called "Life is Beautiful," in which she anticipated enjoying so many experiences the second time around through the eyes of her child. Such a great articulation of what makes parenting so wonderful.

So for now, I will keep blogging about my kids, about parenting, about my doubts and worries, and about the really happy moments. And I will read and reread these posts, because they help me to see how far I've come, to remember what it was like, and to feel the joy all over again.