This morning as I drove to work, I had to take a lot of deep, calming breaths. There wasn't any specific incident that precipitated my angst. But the stress of the morning rush just got to me.
Of course, it didn't help that Seth is teething and woke up at 4:45 and didn't go back down for half an hour. And then when he woke up for the day, he spent the whole morning either whining, or clinging to me, or screeching. And instead of feeling empathy or sympathy for him, I was feeling angry and resentful. (Poor Seth!)
And it didn't help that I woke up late, and that I hadn't done much prep work the night before (because Ed didn't get home until 10 p.m.) which meant that I was running around trying to get breakfast prepared and sippy cups ready and my lunch together.
And it didn't help that I was also trying to feed Seth a yogurt drink because I'm out of regular yogurt but I want him to have yogurt because of the thrush, but all he wanted to do was play with the straw (which also made me angry and resentful, which then made me feel bad for feeling that way).
And it didn't help that Ed was just standing around waiting for me because when I get to a certain stress level, I'm incapable of delegating and even though you'd think he'd know by now what needs to be done in the morning, he doesn't do anything unless I ask him to.
And it didn't help that William discovered his portfolio from school, which I brought home last night to look over before our parent-teacher conference today, and spent the whole morning pouring over the pictures and calling out, "Hey look! I'm playing blocks with Annika!" "Mommy, look at me! I was holding marshmallows!" "Hey Mommy! There's you!" I wanted to sit down and look at the portfolio with him, because he was having such a good time remembering and seeing himself and his friends. I felt like that was a lost moment--something I could have shared with him.
So by the time I got in the car with both boys buckled in (Ed finally got to do his usual part in the morning routine by putting my things in the car and getting William's shoes on and getting William in his car seat) and the sippy cups and William's breakfast in their proper places, deep, calming breaths were definitely in order. I hate feeling stressed by a routine that we perform every single day. And I hate feeling stressed when I know there are ways to make it go smoother--from preparing more the night before, being able to delegate to Ed, or getting him to take over more responsibilities (before you get all down on Ed, I'm a bit of a control freak and I don't like the way he performs certain tasks, so that's something I clearly need to get over!), and practicing "serenity now" in the heat of the moment.
Mostly, it makes me feel bad because it becomes so clear to me that I am not good at remaining even-keeled. I lose my temper so easily, and I throw mini-temper tantrums that are so completely uncalled for. It's so embarassing. And the worst part is that my kids witness it all. I hate even admitting this, but this is what motherhood has brought out in me. Before kids, I thought I was a pretty laid-back person. I hardly ever felt stressed about anything. Since I've had kids, though, the high-strung part of my personality has come out in full force! But what I need to remember is that when I'm making a very conscience effort to remain calm, it works. Deep breaths work. Taking one minute to think about how much I love my kids and my husband helps put everythign in perspective. And thinking about what behavior I want to model for my kids can put me to shame and straighten me up right away. Maybe this "confession" will help keep me on the right path, and the part of me that knows better will take over when the other part of me loses control. I hate that part of me--I really do.
8 comments:
I do that get so worked up that I can't delegate thing too. Andy has learned to disappear when that happens.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with letting your kids see you get upset or frustrated or angry. These are all normal and healthy emotions. What I think is important is modeling appropriate ways of dealing with those emotions, and it sounds like you are doing that.
Of course, if you rant and rave a little in the car once you drop them off, I won't tell any one.
I think you must live inside my head with your last paragraph confession.
I have spent Ben's entire 3 years silently asking forgivness for not doing it the "right" way and promising to do a better job on future children. Parenting brings out every negative characteristic I have too.
Luckily Ben is a go with the flow kid(as much as a 3 year can be) and I don't think he notices that I have traded being a parent to many of my students in place of meaningful time with him due to the sheer nature of this job and what is expected.
I am really trying to work on recognizing that I have the time just that I need to reorg my priorties.
Sending you peace and time to live in the moment without regret.
This is why they call it the morning SCRAMBLE! ha ha! I swear that is the biggest stressor of our day! When I wake up late or grumpy or sick or someone wakes up early and we HAVE to be out the door. Sucks sucks sucks.
It's one of those things where you KNOW you need to prepare the night before but sometimes you punt it and you ALWAYS regret it the next day.
Our morning scramble on THEIR BIRTHDAY, I told them they were driving me crazy. And they both burst into sobs IN FRONT OF MY MIL.
Mother of the year, I tell ya.
I felt the same way this morning! Lilly was up all night with a cold (she is a bit dramatic in all aspects of her life) and then was crying miserably this am because she was exhausted and feeling poorly. I was just aggrivated instead of empathetic...we have all been there. You are doing the best you can, just like the rest of us, and you are doing a good job.
BB, taking deep breaths are a good way to get rid of stress. You do more for your kids then any one I know. And as they get older they will do more and more for themselves. Hang in there they are only young once. (as you know I have one in college).
Oh Beth, I have SO been there. And it is such a mix of everything. Frustration, anger, resentment...you capture it so well. I think it is healthy for kids to see thier parents loose it once in a while. I feel badly doing this but I always tell them, "Mommy was feeling frustrated." But I hear ya on the mini-tantrums. It is like I can see myself- like I am seeing myself from outside of myself- I can see myself unraveling but am not so sure how to un-do it. Deep breaths help. Before I pick up the kids I tell myself, "Ok, you can do this. Be patient. Be kind." Like a mini pep talk. Thanks for your honesty! We ALL have been there, done that.
As far as a person not doing tasks in the same way you would, that's true of everyone. No two people do things alike. We all think our way is better. Case in point: sometime Meade does the laundry and folds my clothes and puts at foot of bed. Well, he never folds things the way that I do and I use to refold. Now, I try to just smile and be thankful he makes the effort. Ten years ago, he would never have done laundry.
I can totally relate Beth! Not to the morning scramble, which sounds a little nutty--yikes, but to the temper. I have really tried to keep my cool during challenging moments, but I can often feel the tension building and then I just EXPLODE (and its not pretty). After my tantrum, I feel so ashamed, like the worst person alive, so disappointed in myself and embarrassed. The other morning Lana was freaking out about some stupid thing and I was trying to stay calm until I completely lost it and screamed at her which just made her cry harder and louder and I just can't get the image of her reacting to me and looking scared out of my head. I was just filled with regret. I think its good to share our experiences b/c it makes us realize that we all have our moments and it gives us accountability for our actions in hopes that we can lose it a little less intensely next time.
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