My mind is filled with all sorts of things to blog about. But I can't seem to move any of it past my fingertips. I want to blog about inertia and how I am finding it impossible to fit exercise into my day and how this is a HUGE problem because I am gaining weight at an alarming pace and how I'm trying really hard to be more patient with the boys and to enjoy them more instead of feeling exasperated all the time and how much I LOVE the boys and how quickly they're growing and how I love all the cute and funny things they say and how my house is filthy but I don't care anymore because the boys want me to play with them and not dust or vaccum or scrub toilets and how work is good and how I'm really feeling my age lately and it scares me and how I didn't go to my 20th high school reunion and how discouraged I'm feeling about finding a house and how awesome the weather was today and how we played outside when we got home while I grilled chicken and how Seth pedaled the tricycle on his own and how I used up 8 biscuits and heavy whipping cream making delicious bread pudding and how I really miss happy hours after work with friends and how everthing seems to be swirling around me in a state of constant motion and yesterday was Tuesday and now it's Friday and sometimes I just need to stop and catch my breath.
So that's what I'm doing, catching my breath. I didn't know that parenting would make me so crazy and I never expected it to stress me out as much as it does. In some ways, I feel disappointed in myself that I don't love every minute of it and that I'm not better at it. In high school and maybe even college, I saw myself as a stay at home mom and thought I'd love to have five kids. I have two and most days, I want to tear my hair out by the end of the day. Am I more stressed because I work full time? Or would I be more stressed if I stayed home full time? It's hard to know the answer to that. But my gut tells me it would be harder for me to stay home. I'm not disciplined enough to do it well. Regardless, my life is my life and I would not want it any other way. Well, that's not entirely true. I'd rather be working part time. But the point is, I am where I want to be. I just have to keep striving to be better at it. It's a journey, not a destination. A process. I didn't expect it to be so hard, but I also never knew how much love and joy a family would bring.
I guess I had something to say afterall.
6 comments:
We did miss you last weekend, though your time seems well-spent in the beautiful outdoors. I told MJ how much I enjoy the blogs you both keep, and I marvelled at how much you do in addition to writing! You care so much about being a great mom, and your boys feel that every day... and that seems like the best measure of success, to me. Hope the upcoming weekend is wonderful for all of you :)
Perfect post. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I never do 100% of the stuff on my list.
I hope Heather weighs in on this post because she is a different person since staying home. She put together a schedule she has posted in her kitchen of what she needs to do each week (Wed night = ladies night!). She seems a lot more rested and less frantically busy.
But I know you're not looking for advice, just for a space to vent.
Great post Beth and I know exactly what you mean. I've been blessed to be able to take a year maternity leave this year and am surprised I've enjoyed it as much as I have, but it definitely has been trying dealing with the girls 24/7. Remember to take time for YOU and not feel guilty about it.
One of my favorite posts from anyone's blogs I have read in long time because it is honest and straight from the heart and I can completely relate. I could have written that first paragraph with different specifics.
We always feel like we can do more or do better and I think no matter how much we try, we are always going to have those feelings so we just have to balance them with also reminding ourselves of how lucky and blessed we are and take pride in what we are doing right. Give ourselves credit, you know? Look back at that first paragraph and know that with every sentence from playing with the boys even when you are not really into it, to letting go of the house not being perfectly clean, you are saying that you love your kids and you love your family and in the end that is the most important thing.
I get it. You captured how mothers feel so perfectly.
You are awesome! Seriously. This post is perfect and sounds all too familliar. Love the balance between love and fufillment and wanting to tear your hair out. This is one of my new favorites.
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